I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
