This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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