I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
