and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
