I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
