I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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