I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
