I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
