would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
