I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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