dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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