ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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