my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
