why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
it's like iHOP with fire
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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