I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
