Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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