the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
