someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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