My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
