I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
