Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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