Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
