Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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