I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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