it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
