respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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