You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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