I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
