i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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