Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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