I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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