Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
