Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
