Nicole vs. Life
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
