i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
you made out with another girl for some wings
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
