Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
