I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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