I looked at my own cervix.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
