I murdered the dance floor call the cops
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
