If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
