so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
