oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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