what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
