Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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