She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
