Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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