R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
