i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
