I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm bleeding and have questions
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
