All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
