We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
